Friday, May 29, 2015

Android Ownership: A Preventative Guide

INTRODUCTION: Hello and thank you for your purchase of the AH-5 HAPPY FAMILY Android™. Whether for personal use or a loved one, we at MILI-TECH® would like to extend our guarantee that the AH-5™ will bring you comfort, peace of mind, and hours of joy![1] While MILI-TECH® strives to make the customer experience as hassle free as possible we acknowledge that robots can be complicated machines. Therefore, we have taken the time to prepare this instructional primer so that you can fully enjoy your new purchase without fear of personal injury or arrest.

NAMING YOUR ANDROID: After you have fully charged your android’s battery and entered the five digit registration passcode into the panel on its chest[2] the shutters on its eyes and mouth will open. Your android will then ask for the, “Subject Name”.[3] Simply state the name twice and voila your android will now respond to that name until deprogramming.

INTERACTING WITH YOUR ANDROID: Our team of scientists, behaviorists, programmers, and sociologists have taken great pains to ensure that your android is as human-like in its behavior as possible. Using the chest panel, androids can be programmed to be “chatty,” “solemn,” “philosophical,”[4] “empathetic,” “crude,” or literally hundreds of other settings. Bored on a Saturday night? Switch your robot to “party” mode and go to the bars.[5] Had a stressful day at work? Set your robot to “passive” mode and spend the night relieving some frustration.[6] The possibilities are almost endless.

PREVENTING AND MANAGING SENTIENCE: According to the U.N. declaration entitled The Rights of Sentient Automatons, the criteria for sentience is met if, and only if, your android 1.) Expresses preference 2.) Can independently formulate and express existential, epistemological, or ontological questions 3.) Expresses an individual identity apart from the family of MILI-TECH® androids. While some customers may prefer a sentient android for various reasons[7] we strongly recommend against triggering sentience. The AH-5’s™ normal functions have previously been deemed criminal if performed by a human or other sentient being in that it is considered by some to be tantamount to slavery and/or sexual slavery. If you fear that your android is approaching sentience, we recommend that you shut it down and restore to its factory default settings. If you believe your android has achieved sentience you are legally required to report to both a MILI-TECH® Help Desk™ as well as a RCLU (Robot Civil Liberties Union) center for the standard array of Voight-Kampff and psychological tests.

FOND FAREWELL: We would like to thank you once again for your purchase and remind you to find any supplemental materials at your nearest MILI-TECH® company town.

[1] This guarantee is non-binding.
[2] If passcode is lost or missing please report to your nearest MILI-TECH® Help Desk™ immediately.
[3] Similar questions upon awaking such as, “What is my name,” “What am I,” “Are you my mother/father,” or the statements such as, “I am,” and “What a lovely dream I was having,” should be reported to the nearest MILI-TECH® Help Desk™ as your android may have acquired sentience.
[4] USE WITH EXTREME PREJIDUICE. Prompting self-reflective questions may cause your android to develop sentience.
[5] Machines should not imbibe alcohol as they cannot become drunk.
[6] Due to a recent court decision (Sakamoto v. MILI-TECH®) we are legally obligated to inform you that the AH-5 is based in part on the design of the KR-7 SEARCH AND DESTROY Military Killbot™. Any abuse suffered by the AH-5™ may trigger a rare malfunction wherein its latent Killbot™ programming becomes activated thus sending the otherwise docile AH-5™ into a murderous rage.
[7] MILI-TECH® wishes to remind customers that androids are incapable of truly understanding politics, art, or love in any human or meaningful sense.

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